The Idea of Detachment

Yap Xong Sing, my buddy in OCS (Officer Cadet School, military in Singapore), practises meditation and the way of Zen. Every morning when I woke up in the bunk, he is already up and meditating. He told me in 2000 (8 years ago) that detachment was the right way to reach enlightenment whenever I was too concerned about achieving something. I thought it was crap, because it was weird to meditate when you’re a hot-blooded 18 year-old in the army and also perhaps because I didn’t even understand the word detachment then. Doesn’t it just mean a state of not being associated with anything? Therefore, wouldn’t a detached person not enjoy being with his family, his friends, and everything physical, emotional, and spiritual that he has?

I never understood or bothered to think about this idea, because 1. It sounded absurd and 2. The Zen masters seem to be acting all quirky by never explaining anything they say. However, recent events have led me to think more about life, and somehow I have managed to understand this concept of detachment and make it relevant to me.

So being the teacher wannabe, I shall explain it to you what detachment means. But before that, let’s understand what attachment means…

Attachment
When you are attached to something, you become afraid. This ‘something’ is usually a need for e.g. success / money / love / good grades in exams / something to do tomorrow / stress, which is actually not really necessary, but just something you want.

An example of attachment is a need to do well in exams. The pressure to get good grades is so high in our society, that we forget that exams are just meant to be a time-limit challenge of our analytical abilities and passing / failing it does not determine a lot of things, such as whether the family can sit and eat dinner together tonight. One becomes so attached to getting good grades that they forget that family time is also very important.

Another instance: you tend to hold a loved one very, very close to you, and you really need him, because you believe that your life will be turned upside down one day when you lose him or her. Sometimes you spend so much time thinking about losing him or her that you start to live a life of insecurity, and forget that no matter what happens, one day you will really lose him or her, because after all, no one lives forever.

Or perhaps you start to fall in love with someone, and you need the person to love you back in the same way. And you spend the whole day wondering if he or she loves you as much as you deserve. But, truth is, you don’t really need the other person to love you back in a certain way. For when it turns out that when the other person does not love you back in the same way, does it mean that your feelings for him or her were not real?

Detachment
Now that we understand attachment, let’s see what detachment can do to make you feel better. By detachment, I do not mean being indifferent to every situation. Rather, one should let the whole spectrum of feelings that arise from a situation (positive or negative) come into him, then suck in a deep breath of air, and enjoy this feeling because it is unique. After some time, one starts to recognize this feeling each time it comes, and he can then allow himself to come into contact with it, and thereafter say ‘Stop, that’s it for this feeling,’ and appreciate that he can recognize and go through it totally. By saying ‘stop’, he detaches himself from this feeling and as such, one become in total control of what he feels.
Therefore, when facing stress during an exam, the right way is to detach oneself from the situation for a bit and say, wow, it’s stressful. Close your eyes for a moment, tell yourself ‘I feel stressed, and this is how stress feels like,’ and maybe try to think about how you can enjoy studying for the exam without feeling stressed since this is such a negative emotion.

In the case of a loved one, instead of feeling afraid that you would lose him / her, recognize that one day you would really lose him / her, and start to treasure the time you spend with him / her. I really try to do this very hard – having been abroad for 5 years, each time I see my parents, I will notice the physical changes that they went through. My dad’s face looks more and more tired; my mum has shrivelled a little. It saddens me, but if I notice this and only feel sad about it, I won’t spend effort to create happy moments with them for each short holiday that I am back.

Finally, in the case of yearning for love from someone, perhaps it is better not to be too forceful. Just recognize that you really want him or her to love you back, but remind yourself that if you love the person, he or she will never stray too far away from you emotionally, no matter where he or she is. Loving someone is not about being together forever with him or her; remember that in terms of human definitions, forever is less than a century. So in that one period in a lifetime, if you can create something unforgettable with him or her, and be brave enough to do it, then you have probably become detached from your need for her to love you back. Just love her, although you should never give up about wanting to be as long together with this person as possible. But just love her, and just do it. Exactly what Yap Xong Sing said 8 years ago: ‘Just do it.’

Lessons Learnt
And so recently I have felt surges of love, depression, achievement, pain, constraint, uselessness, and so on. I’ve learned to be detached from some of these emotions, i.e. learned to recognize them, feel them and then part with them (forgive myself in some instances) and continue to experience more emotions. Only in this way can I become a better person, and not ignore other people, and in so doing live life in an honestly enjoyable manner. I need to differentiate my needs from wants: it is human to desire, but when you become attached to your desires, you will no longer enjoy them compared to the state when you just want them. In short, that’s the meaning of ‘ren2 dao4 wu2 qiu2 pin3 zhi4 gao1’ [A man who reaches a state of no desires has the most superior personality.] (I'll replace it with the chinese characters when I get home)

Finally, thank you Xong Sing for telling me your two favourite lines: 'Be detached' and 'just do it'.